By The Girl With The Tree Tattoo

While writing "Who Are You Dancing For?," I thought about a mindset shift I had made before my first competition of 2018, The Royal Ball. 

After some ego blows in 2017, I had decided to stop trying to catch the attention of the judges and instead focus on connecting with my audience. I wanted to form a deeper connection with myself, my dance partner, and those people who had been following and supporting me for years, as well as any spectators who might be inspired by my performance. It was for them, not the judges, that I wanted to give my absolute best performance.

The Royal Ball was a small competition and I was generally uncontested in my dances, competing against one other couple at most. When you place first out of one or second out of two, it doesn’t carry a lot of weight or really reflect on how well you danced. What really mattered was how I felt dancing, and I felt fantastic. My choreography was well rehearsed and my technique felt strong. 

What was unusual was that my styling and expression also felt great! These aspects of ballroom are the most challenging for me. I don’t feel comfortable with the big stylistic gestures and over-the-top facial expressions. When I say I don’t feel comfortable, I mean trying to express emotions while I’ve danced has literally triggered anxiety attacks in me. 

Usually, I end up playing it too safe and small in an attempt to avoid hyperventilating in the bathroom.

In preparing for this competition, I did a lot of work in these areas because I wanted to improve, of course, and I wanted to connect with my audience like I’ve connected with dancers when I’ve been in the audience. 

When I’m watching a dance performance, I love that feeling of being drawn in. Great dancers connect with the audience in such a way that they carry you with them. When they express joy, you feel joy. When they express heartbreak, you get choked up. I will end up literally sitting on the edge of my seat during such a performance. It was my goal to create that kind of experience for my audience. 

I went through my usual ups and downs in the weeks leading up to the competition, but I kept telling myself to dance for my audience. Dance for those people who have cheered me on, both online and offline. Dance for the people who would see me in person and dance for the people who would catch my live streams on social media. 

I was motivated by the thought that I might be able to create that wonderful feeling of awe that I’ve experienced as an audience member for someone else.

So as I walked out on the dance floor at The Royal Ball, I didn’t worry about the judges. I thought about my audience. Knowing I had such an incredible support system around me made me feel strong and more than capable of giving it my all, expression included. 

When the music finally started and I connected with my teacher in frame, I danced my heart out. I danced to give thanks to my audience for their love and support, and you know what? The joy it brought me nearly erased my anxiety over performing and expressing. Instead of feeling stress over having to get noticed over the other couples on the dance floor, I felt the freedom to express my gratitude through my dancing. 

It was one of my best performances to date, and I can’t wait to make the next one even better. 

This dance is for you.